Fear.

I've always been a rather anxious and scared kind of human being. For some reason, I have despite that fact, dared to do quite a lot in my life. As a rather broken and hurt 19-year-old I even moved to a whole new country on my own. And as I never stop talking about that fact, none of you have probably forgotten about that. It was one of the biggest decisions I've ever made, and the day I moved was most probably the most surreal day of my life. But the fact is that although I did all that, I always question my own abilities; I'm always scared of everything that might happen. In one week I'll be doing it all again. I'll move to that same old country again, if only for a month, but I am more frightened than ever. I know going back and almost making me a home there will be totes emosh (sorry) to me. What I don't know if whether that'll be a good thing or if I'll come back an even greater mess than I already am. I don't know if my body will support me through it all, or if my anxiety and stomach will wreck havoc with me. I know nothing. And beyond that, I have absolutely no idea what will happen once I do go back to Sweden again.  It's terrifying. I have no security around me and I'll just have to rely on myself to stay sane and healthy. I know I won't be totally alone, but for some reason, travelling back to that country makes me both excited and frightened. Scared I'll enjoy it too much, so I'll be miserable going back home. Scared I'll hate it, and slowly go mad living there again. I have absolutely no idea what will happen. I just know that for now, I'll do whatever I can to keep my anxiety at an almost-functioning level. I just wish I had some kind of teddy bear to keep me safe, or perhaps that I believed in something that could keep me safe. I wish I just could get on with life and stop being so frightened all the time. Perhaps one day.  But on the other hand, nothing great ever happens within your comfort zone, right? Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and hope destiny has something great in store for you. At least that is what I'm going to do for now.EDIT: Due to mental health issues, my trip to Scotland got cancelled. I have some things I have to deal with a bit more before I go. But if all goes well, I'm still going to London in the beginning of March though, fingers crossed! Everything will be alright in the end.