The November project 2019, part 9

The bottles clinked against each other in the bag. Helena wished she could run instead, she just wanted to come home as soon as possible, didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone, and preferably not be seen by anyone. She felt something burning in her chest, and behind her eyes. Not yet, please, not yet…    In the stairwell she met Britta, the neighbor who surely meant well all the time, but way too often poked her nose into business that she didn’t have anything to do with. This time included. A hello and a curious smile, what’s the rush, was she expecting company? Helena couldn’t bother to stop to be polite. She couldn’t even be if she tried, she would only break down.    The door closed behind her with a bang and she collapsed against it. Noticed the little tea light holder in the shape of a porcelain elephant she’d got as a present from him. Its smile was so silly. Dumb, even. With the adrenalin still rushing inside, she tore it off the table and smashed it on the floor with everything she had. Thousands of pieces spread across the entire hallway floor. That fucking bastard! That evil spawn of Satan, why did he have to… and with her boss, out of all people…    “YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!” she cried, now out loud so anyone could hear. “You disgraceful, cursed, fucking bastard…” The burning tears came running down her cheeks, it was getting hard to breathe; she’d soon be out of energy. It was time for the bottle.    Alone by the kitchen table. Her head was pounding. Wine wasn’t the right drink after a rage like this, but she couldn’t bother to be rational now. She just needed to numb herself.    That unbelievable asshole… it had taken years for her to even dare to start dating again after the divorce, dare to believe that anyone would like her now that she was past 40 and not at all as fresh as she used to be. She couldn’t fool anyone either, she wasn’t like those super women in the magazines who in some miraculous way managed to both have a career, keep their house clean, be the walking calendar of the family, work out and stay attractive – and somehow avoiding getting burnt out. Helena had managed to make a career and keep the family together, at least until she and the children’s father started fighting, but staying attractive on top of that? Hardly. She didn’t look young, she wasn’t very thin, she did have the money to shop for some more expensive clothes – but it was hard finding something that actually fit. Not to mention always feeling tired and gloomy. How did people stay energized? How did they make it all work?    In some curious way she had eventually found a new man after all. Strikingly beautiful and urbane, what he saw in her she didn’t understand, but she felt grateful. He had made life be pretty fun for once. He had taken her on trips, theme parks, clubs – he had made her feel young, alive. She had almost forgotten the feeling of being smitten, but he had woken that feeling up again. Rarely had she ever felt such a rush without the help of alcohol.    It had been going on for a bit over a year. All the holidays together. It had really started to feel serious, as if it was time to think about moving in together. What she had been completely blind to though, was his contact with her boss. It must have started at the company Christmas party, but she had never thought they had kept in touch behind her back after that, they hadn’t really spoken that much to each other at the party? When had this interest started, really?    Ugh, she felt sick only from thinking about it. But she did understand why. The boss was way more attractive and charismatic than herself. Alluring, if you will. She was everything Helena wasn’t. Fucking piece of shit.    This must be some sort of receipt after all, mustn’t it? She was doomed now. Men grew tired of her. She might find someone to have fun with for a while, but no one who would stay. It would never, ever get better.    Luckily there was enough left in the bottle for another glass. sorrow