a straggly mind makes a straggly post

People tell you to trust them. But how to trust when you have been betrayed so many times you can not even remember. People tell you that the only thing that will make things changed is to trust, but when you have experienced these situations so many times you know so well that the only person you can trust is yourself. If you can, trust yourself I mean. I am in a situation where I am dependance to others, which makes me feel very concerned. I do not think anyone can imagine how it is to be so addicted to others, when the only thing you really want is to do it by your own. It is not easy to be at a place you really do not want to be at, but you have no other place to go to. There are no other options.Sometimes I wish I was thirteen again, but with a twenty-one year old brain. A brain and a soul that have been through everything I have gone through during the last eight years. I wish I was thirteen and brave enough to tell people around me what I wanted, what I needed. Maybe, maybe I had get rid of these painful years. Maybe, maybe if I had been brave enough to speak. I have always been quiet to those people who could have had a chance to help me. It is like someone had put a tape on my mouth, and with knowing how painful it is to drag the tape off, I keep being quiet and introvert. Now, eight years later I am more open to speak with people. I do not trust people, I never do. I do not think there is anyone I trust truly, but I have absolutely been more outspoken with some of my friends and people at the hospital. I have realized that is often more distressing to keep everything within yourself, to not let anyone come you close. It is when you do that, it feels like you are going to explode like a ticking bomb. It is when your backpack has been too full, when you have collected too much shit within you. Do not do that, I recommending you. Because that is what I have done.Speaking is your best equipment to let your soul be free. I have realized that now and I am working hard to be brave enough to speak out. Loud. Not pictured, you do not need to shout. But speak much. About everything that is going on in you. Speak about why you are crying every night even if you do not know why. Speak about why it feels like you have a stone in your stomach that never will disappear. Speak about why you feel alone even if you have loads of lovely friends around you. Speak about the girl or boy you are so in love with. Speak about why you are so happy as it feels like nothing can bring you down. Speak about everything. I have learned more and more to speak about all these things and I have realized who I can speak to. I have, because of my autism, very hard to speak with people I do not know. To find topic for conversations or to start a conversation. But I have been better. I have, as I said, learned. But you can not learn if you do not try. But I will promise you, when you are in a situations like me; when you are dependance to other people, speaking is what you have. People around you can not read your mind. They can only help you if you let them help you, and how will they ever know how to help if you can not tell them? This went out like a very straggly post, but this is what was in my mind for now. And, I have started writing in English because of my American friends who will read and follow my journey. So from now my posts will be in English.