how to feel

I am not writing this because I want someone to feel sorry for me. I am writing this because I know I am not alone. I am not the only person in this world who can not trust anyone. I am not the only person who is afraid of men, for what one have been through, and find it hard to say No. I am scared to telling you this because it is so privacy, so hard to live with and things remind me of it every single day.I will make it in a way that is not so impersonal, because it still so difficult for me to talk about and handle. And that is not the important thing, what I have especially have gone through. The important is how a person can feel when one have been abused too many times. How a person can feel when one have been betrayed of people one thought one could trust. How a person can feel when the word: No, longer has a meaning and when No No No instead being a whispering Yes.When you have been abused you can feel a lot of shame and fault. You are not alone if you think it is your own fault. I am writing it in 'you' because as I said before, it is not about me - it is about how you can feel when you have passed through a sort of things. When you have been abused you can suddenly be so quiet, so withdrawn, because you blame yourself for what have happened. When you have been abused it can have made you scared of what have used you, like men. And being afraid of men is not something you should be scared of. Men are like women, a category of gender. A part of humans in this world. When girls being afraid of men it means the patriarchy has taken over. When a specific gender as men makes the other gender, in this case women, scared, something is wrong. A woman shall be able to drink alcohol without being raped. A woman shall be okay with wearing a short skirt without being raped. A woman shall be heard when she is saying No, because No means No and not Yes. So jumping over a step and talking about No. I know how you can feel when you have said No so many times, but finally you can not say anything else than Yes because the person does not respect what you say. I know how powerless you can feel when someone is not listening even if the person hurts you. When you eventually have said No No No but the person still rapes you. I know it is not easy to say No on the whole. Especially when the person is someone you from the beginning trusted and should manage to trust. A person who says loves you but instead shows the opposed. A person who should love you because you are in a couple but hurts you so much. Physically and mentally. Now we are back to my last post, about speaking. You need to speak to someone about this if this is what you exactly is going through. You can not carry everything on your own, that is impossible in the end. You will, as I said before, explode. I respect and understand if you do not trust people anymore. Because you have tried to trust so many people who you thought loved you truly, but instead have abused you and hurt you. I said that you must not blame yourself for what have happened, and no one else is ever, ever, ever permitted to blame you for not trusting people. They may not know what you been through and that is okay, you do not have to tell everybody. But, they should be understanding when you say you have been betrayed too many times of persons you love and though loved you. Even if I have not told you about what especially have happened to me, I think you understand the meaning of this post. I hope so anyway. To be abused is a terribly thing, to be hurt by someone you love and trust is a terribly thing, to be not listening to is a terribly thing. So speak. Speak out to someone you think you can trust, just a little. I do not desire you shall trust the person quite, because I know you do not. But if there is anyone you can trust just little, speak a little. And take small steps. If the person really cares about you, he or she will stay and wait for you until you are ready to speak about everything. I have that kind of friends and I have met that sort of nurses at hospital. They wait for you and I promise you it will feel better when you have outspoken.