I'm scared.

I've been on plenty of holidays with my family growing up. A week in Spain, a roadtrip through England or a week on a island in Greece. When I graduated high school I knew I wanted to do some kind of travel before Uni. I was gonna go to Thailand or Australia for maybe 6 weeks on that whole gap year. One gap year and then go to Uni.  I just started my 3rd one.  I didn't go to Asia or Australia that year. I didn't have any friend who was as keen as I was to go. I was 19 and I had to do something I would remember when I was 40. But you can't travel by yourself across the globe, I thought (holy fuck of course you can, travel solo is the best thing ever). I booked a language course to Los Angeles. It was garanteed to meet new people since pretty much everyone went there alone. 6 weeks and after that I would be happy, start Uni, maybe move in together with my boyfriend and everyone would be happy. Those 6 weeks changed it all. Before I went to LA I had a friend, not best friend, but a good friend who had been talking about interrailing through Europe and living in hostels next fall. Me? Interrail through Europe? No showers? Live with strangers? No thanks, and still, I'm going to uni when she graduate so I didn't even think about it. I went to LA, all by myself, didn't knew a shit. I didn't even know how to cook and I had never done my laundry myself. During these 6 weeks I had to push myself to be social and I loved it. I was lost but I loved it and I met the best people ever. When I got back home I was even more lost. This friend who'd been talking about interrailing, Elsa, had been to America as well as a exchange student. She knew what I meant when I said I was lost after coming home. We started talking about this Europe trip again, and somehow became best friends that summer. We sat in her kitchen heapes of rainy summer nights and googled flight tickets together and she was the shoulder I cried on when me and my boyfriend broke up. I was a confused mess, and during this period three of the most amazing people became a part of my life. Three girls from the island next to mine. I had even met them plenty of times. Amanda, Julia and Maja. I had the best summer ever with these girls, and as spontaneous and wierd they are, they decided to join us on this Europe trip. 1st of September 2015, that's was the date we're leaving. I bought my backpack and packed it neat and thoughtfully. I wished I still packed my backpack thoughtfully. That month was, hands down, the best month ever. When we came back home I thought so many times "did I actually do that? No, that's the kind of stories other people tell." But we actually did that. Even thought it was dark and cold in Sweden by this time, I had a blast. (Specially thank you to Amanda Ferdinandsson who is the funniest and one of the most incredible person I've met). "Well I guess I'm not going to Uni this year, might as well just travel a bit more". I still wanted to go to Asia and Australia, specially Australia to try to work in another country. That sounds pretty dope. What a perfect timing that Elsa wanted to do that as well. I had three months in front of me, just working my ass off. Earn em' cash. "Don't worry mum, I'll be back in June! See you then!" One month in Asia, 2 months working in Melbourne and then do the Australian eastcoast for a few weeks. Easy peasy and I'll be back for the Swedish summer (I mean, you can't miss out on the Swedish summer), and then Uni in september.  We booked a one-way ticket to Bangkok. That's the only thing we had planned when we left Sweden. Nothing else. I fucking hate Bangkok. Busy, dirty and way to crowded. The planned one month in Asia actually turned out to be one month. We planned along the way and even though one month isn't much, we had the time to do our open water in Ko Tao, kayaking through the rainforest in Borneo and had a few to many beers in Gili T. As always, we met so many amazing people.  "Why are you going back home in June?" That's one of the things all these people we met along the way asked, that and: "Is all Swedes blonde and have blue eyes?" (Yeah, if you're not blonde you will be kicked out of Sweden) No, I have to go back, the Swedish summer is the best and I should go to Uni. Then Australia happend. Trust me, move and work on the other side of the globe with English not as your first language is not easy. But I was gonna do this. And I wanna try out being a bartender, I mean, that would be pretty fun to do for a while! Did I have any bartender experiences? No. Did I came on my trial and were totally lost and though fuck this I don't even understand their accent? Yes. Did I stayed and worked there for 5 months anyway. Hell yeah, and that's the best thing I've ever done.  I did understand pretty quickly that I will probably not be back in June, sorry mum. Well, I could go study every 6 months for the rest of my life, but I will only be 21 and have a work and holiday visa in Australia once. That would be pretty stupid to waste.  Elsa left Melbourne after 4 months, I had my co-workers, flatmates and friends who went to Uni here so I wasn't alone for the last month at all. And not having your "safe-card" was pretty exciting. But I'm not here to stay in one place, I need to get moving. Even though Melbourne is the best city ever, I was craving nature. I booked a ticket up to Cairns two days before leaving and checked in at a hostel. No fucking idea what was happening. All by myself. Who knew this hostel would be my second home? I started working for accommodation there. I made beds two hours per day, 6 days a week. Oh lord I met some of the best people ever there, and the nature in northern Queensland? It's just stunning.  I've got plenty of pictures of famous buildings in Europe, nature ones in Asia and underwater pictures in Australia. But I don't give a shit about that anymore. I rather sit and do nothing at the hostel for a whole day and make new friends, then go and see a well-known building. It's the people you meet that do your travels, not the things you see.  I haven't been home for 10 months. In 10 months I have slept alone in a room for 2 nights.  Right now, at this very moment, I'm sitting in a hammock in Byron Bay. Around me it's a German, a Swiss and a Brit talking about what's happening tonight. I'm unemployed and I'm running out of money. I have no clue what I'm doing next, and I'm not even stressed about it. I know things will be alright as long as you have the right attitude, is open to try new things and don't judge people before you get to know them. I'm not scared that my travelmate is leaving me next week, I'm not scared to travel alone, I'm not scared of not knowing a shit, I'm not scared of being turned down on job-trials. I'm scared of coming home. Scared of go back and become the person I was when I left, scared to forget this year. I'm scared.