Maxinne Björk exposed 2.0

This is a new theme in my blog. Where I will reflect on my obstacles in life. My conditions. My fears. Read below what it will contain.  I think one of my main issues in life have been the fact that I think I can handle everything by myself. Regarding most subjects. I can do all work by myself, I can deal with all my emotions by myself - I solve my own problems. But obviously we are only humans. Maybe I can handle everything by myself? Maybe not? But do I want to? No… I don't like to refer to my childhood as troubled or something in that direction. Let’s not call it anything. But my years until where I am today have contained some storms of strange happenings. Which has conditioned me in how I am today. Like with all our experiences on our life journey. They become a part of us either if we want it or not, both positive and negative. Then its up to us to decondition ourselves and to dig deep and get an understanding of why, how, when? I have had two father figures in my life - where both didn't want me. Sounds harsh. Thats how some parts of me likes to see it. For different reasons they didn’t want me. Biological father nr 1, the man with the sperm - he was a wonderful man while he was sober and in his body, at least so I have heard. I have very few memories of that period in my life. There is some good glimpses that I can also picture myself him as a great person. He was not suitable for todays society and definitely not suitable to become a father. He stayed in his hippie party casanova vibe while my mum transformed in to the role of being a responsible loving mother. Father nr 2, my mums ex husband, the sperm of my little brother - he was my father figure for many years but after my mum and him divorced, he met a new woman who didn't accept me. She did very strange actions to try keeping me far away from him. And to make a longer story short, he valued more to take her side and work on that relationship. My one and only mum who have always been my biggest role model in life, my only really big supporting pillar in life (also my grandma for many years..) It was great in our relationship for most of the time but some major shifts happened in her life in my teenager years and she fell into a big black hole of a life crisis. Which affected me and my brother tremendously. So deep that for 2,5 years we didn't have contact at all. I will not get into details here. What I am very thankful for is that we have been able to find the way back to each other, and even in a stronger than before. How that was even possible? But what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger? Someone once said. And the love that I have for my mother today is eternal - she is my rock. I am not telling you this cause I want anyone to feel sorry for me. Not at all. But even if these stories were ment to happen, otherwise universe wouldn’t have let it - I in many ways got conditioned by these happenings. When I was younger my mum wanted me to go to a child psychologist, and in older years I was in a group session with my brother talking about our childhood. I think my mind and heart was not open to get helped in this state. I was in the strong mindset of ”I know others have similar issues, been through even worse experiences than myself, I don't necessarily need to listen to other people sharing about it, I can deal with this myself”. ”I don't need help - I deal with my own stuff”. But I didn’t know how to deal with it, so instead I blocked my emotions and put them somewhere where I didn't need to confront it. Running away from important matter you need to work with. I think these happenings helped to create many of my thoughts such as ” I am not good enough”, ”I need to be perfect for people to like me”, ”I cant show my flaws cause then they will leave me”. Who knows where its coming from, but these are subjects that has been very present with me my whole life. And a performance anxiety to its extreme, never really thought anything I did was good enough. + Stage anxiety deluxe. Always had the view of myself that I need to look perfect, cause that is what people expect from me. And that became a big contradiction when all my allergies and eczemas started to appear. Then it was impossible for me to contain a perfect flawless version of myself with spots and itchy red areas who penetrated my insecurities and discomfort. Now I am going in to unnecessary details hehe.  But why not getting help and support through out your life journey? Its just stupidity thinking you can deal with all the hassle in life by yourself. Conditioned by our different ways of growing up. Projection on others from the way our life treated us on our journey. But we are all so different, and think so different, and are so different - and it's so important to keep in mind and to not get stuck in stories that you have created by your own, that doesn’t actually make any sense. For the passed few years I have entered the path of dealing with all my shadows. My traumas, my limited beliefs about myself, my fears…I have been to various retreats, in self development, tantra courses, inner journey work in different forms. Slowly but steady I grow. And I can feel it.The change I have done with myself the past years is incredible. Not that I was bad before. But letting go of patterns, thoughts and beliefs that didnt serve me any more.Learned techniques to open up more, to think wider, to feel more, to believe in myself.Now it sounds like I have become this superhuman that is all done and worked with - the final result of myself. But no. I am not. Constantly we are changing and so is the surrounding around us. Constantly we are growing and becoming new versions of ourselves. Constantly we have new layers that is attached to ourselves that needs to be seen and reflected around. SO… This brings me to what I want to talk about. I have worked with myself the past years in different kinds of group set ups. Not really any individual focus. A year ago my plan was to go back to Koh Phangan cause I wanted to continue my deepening in my yoga practice in a tantric school here. But lots of things happened in between and the school doesn’t really have the same vibe any more. My favorite teachers also kept on moving on for new adventures. First there was a disappointment - but again - it’s all meant to happen.Instead I arrived this island without knowing what I will do. And. Suddenly life unfolded Justine - one of my favorite teachers in my spiritual path. Someone I have really resonated with strongly. That I have felt so safe with. That I have dared to open up with in my previous courses with her. We had a meet up together to talk about life - and my general process. And from that we started to build up a 3 month program together for me to really dig deep within myself, for her to be my support to investigate into different traumas who can have caused my limited beliefs about myself, being my mentor on the path of becoming the Maxinne Björk who loves herself fully. Its only been 3 weeks in our journey together and I can already see a big difference.And since vulnerability is one of our most important emotions in life - thats why I will share parts of this journey with you. Exposing my discomfort in the hope that you will find the inspiration to work with your fears.My third weeks homework was to film myself and post it on instagram. Which I hate... U can have a look on Insta today haha.... @maxinnebjork I am so so grateful for Justine. What a power woman she is. I am so happy I am doing this with her and that its her who is my right hand in my evolving into my greater and loving self. Thank you for your support. I am both looking forward and feeling some fear around the next coming weeks.To read more about her and what she does, you can visit her webpage HERE.Love