When I was raped - Year 2007

Since I wrote on my instagram yesterday openly about me being raped in my past, maybe it’s time to share my story about it. I have had in mind to write about it for a long time, I just haven't got the finger out of my ass to do it. But here it comes. I hope my story can help you feel less alone, if you have been through a similar experience. Or maybe it can give you the courage to report the person who did it to you, cause I was too afraid to do it. And if you have been trough sexual abuse and you have tried to push those feelings away cause it's to painful to deal with, I really encourage you to seek help and support. Cause it will always stay inside you and affect you through out your life. I didn't realize that it wounded me so much until later years, and after that I have done a lot to process it. But it's something that is needed to work through, to get your full power back. Your full strength as human being. That only you decide over your own body. It was not your fault, that someone took your freedom away and made choices over your body, that you didn't give them permission for. And never be ashamed! I was 18 years old and me and my best girlfriends were on this island in Sweden called Gotland. At that time everyone in our age and older went to this place for partying during the summer. We had already been out clubbing for a few days, like we did in those days, when we discovered alcohol and the night club scene. It was early in the afternoon and all of us girls were pretty hangover from the day before so we didn't have a pre party to get drunk before heading out this time. Thats what we did the other nights, to save money since it was pretty expensive to buy all alcohol in the bars. But, not this day. So completely sober we arrived at this bar called Underbar, like a pretty outdoor garden bar in the middle of Visby town. It was one of the cool places to be at. At our arrival one of my friends saw some guys she half knew already, we went over there to say hallo. We were all 18 and they were in their late twenties or early thirties. We stood there and mingled for a short while until one of the guys offered all a strawberry daiquiri. And hell yes, that was something I would never had spent my own money on so happily we accepted the offer. We were all hanging out with these guys, chatting normally while sipping on our cocktails. And they actually seemed to be very nice, all of them, and especially the guy I was talking too. After a short while I felt the urge of going to the toilet, I looked over to the toilet line to the women's toilet and complained to him about how women spends such a long time in the toilet doing their make up instead of actually doing their human needs. The line looked like it would take about an hour to struggle through, so not very tempting. He said he knew the owners of the restaurant and that he could go quickly to check if I could borrow the staff toilet - and I got very happy of course. Not long after he came back and said it was okey and that he would show me the way. We walked through the space, through all people until we came to the other end with a door. We walked in and up for a stairway. At that moment I had already start feeling a bit dizzy. and when I started to walk up the stairs my balance went of completely. I stubbed into the sides and I expressed to this man that I dint feel very well, that I couldn't stand up properly. He took me in my arm and helped my up for the narrow stairwell up into the old building. We arrived to a narrow hallway and I leaned into the handrail to not fall down. He went before me to open a door, told me that I probably needed to wash my face in some cold water and go to the toilet to feel better. Now my body was completely like jelly and I had no life force to move my body forward, he came to help me walk to this room he just opened. I had a small glimpse into this room, I didn’t see any toilet at all - only stacked tables and chairs. I manage to express something like ”but… where is the toilet?” And he pushed me into this room so I feel down to the floor made out of stones. I remember looking back up to the door and I saw him closing the door, starting to open his jeans and his belt. I was incapable of moving or saying anything at all. He grabbed me in my hair and lifted my whole body to move me a few meters to the side, then he knocked me out with one big hit in my head.  I woke up in my friends bed the day after, feeling all exhausted with pain in my head. He woke up with me and asked me how I was. I didnt remember anything from last night. My last memory was that I went to this bar with my girlfriends in the afternoon, the rest of the 16 hours I had no clue what happened. My friend told me he found me sleeping, all passed out in the bushes by the water alone about 4 am in the morning. Apparently I gave some signals of being alive and I had expressed that I didn't want to go to the hospital. So he thought that I just were really drunk and that I needed to go home and sleep. He helped me home to sleep and put me to bed. In the morning contacted my friends who were really worried, but apparently one of my other girlfriends had been gone all night too, and the  two other girlfriends thought we took of together without telling us, so they were pretty upset about it. That obviously passed when they heard the real story. Since I didn't remember anything from last night I wasn’t that worried, I tried to think what happened and the only conclusion I could come up with it that in a strange way I must have gotten very drunk without knowing, but it all was very mysterious and strange. Not in my wildest of fantasies I would have come up with the story that actually happened. I could feel something weird about my vagina, that something had happened there. But I had sex the day before with the guy I was seeing at the time so I didn't think that much about it. And probably my survival brain was to afraid of thinking something else could have happened. We found out fourth friend who also didn't remember a thing from the day before.  The days passed and we headed back to Stockholm again, the capital of Sweden where we all lived. A few days after getting back I all of a sudden started to get all of these flashbacks of what happened that afternoon. Strong memories of walking up the stairs, how I was getting dragged in to this room. This man who obviously drugged me in the drink he offered me. Same thing happened for my friend that also didn't remember what happened to her that night, but by his other friend. We were all upset about it, met up with our girlfriends we had been on the island with. At first I wanted to report it and I was about to. But I had to find out this mans name first to do that. So we talked with some friends who knew about them and as much as he thought it was an important this to report, he kindly recommended us not to do it. He knew about these men and that they were a part of the a certain maffia group in Stockholm, highly criminal and not nice human beings, and thinking about our safety what would happen when they find out we had report it, he wasn’t sure of how they would handle it. We still considered reporting it. But I was young, shocked, afraid and unsure of what to do - so I ended up not reporting it. I went to my gynecologist, with out telling the story, cause I was ashamed, but I wanted to check if everything was alright and that he didn't pass on any diseases to me. Luckily that part was fine. A few years after I was walking the streets of Stockholm. At Biblioteksgatan during midday. And when I looked up I just walked passed this man who did this to me. He didn't see me. His face was so clear in my memory, looking a bit like the actor from the movie scorpio king. My heart started to beet in high speed and I got trouble breathing. I walked straight into one of the shops on this street to find my breath again. That is the only time I have every seen this man again.  Two times more I have gotten drugged by a rape drug, once while I was working as a nightclub manager at Hell’s Kitchen in Stockholm, but luckily nothing happened cause my boyfriend came there in time and found me. And once this summer, at Trädgården in Stockholm, during the Pride-festival. And luckily this time too my friends saw what was happening in time. Both of these times were cause I put my drink to the side and didnt have my full awareness of it. Please all women, be aware about this phenomena. If you still spend some of your time in clubs getting drunk, look after your drink and try not to accept any drinks from strangers.  Today I’m sad that I never reported it. Mostly because I would have wanted to stop these men from continue doing this. The action both these men did to me and my friend was planned and probably not the first time, and probably not the last. I can’t understand how a humans is capable of doing such things and how it can even be a turn on to have sex with a passed out human being? I can only wish that Karma and universe will do its work to let these men suffer in the same what they have chosen to let others suffer cause of their needs. I’m thankful that I got drugged and that he hit me in the head so I don’t remember anything from the whole sexual act. Maybe I do have memories, hidden somewhere deep under, that my brain have worked hard to hide for my own safety. Who knows? It was now 11 and a half year ago, and I havn't got any pictures in my head jet, and hopefully I won’t either. But I know that it happened, and thats enough for me. My friend on the other hand, she does have some memories from it all.  I’m so frustrated that this is happening in the world. That humans can do this to other humans. How someone can take my freedom of my own body, and use it for their benefit without my permission. In a perfect world this would never have happened. But our world is not perfect. There is a lot of work to be done here.  What I can do, is to do my best to make a change in this world, to spread my love and support and open up for a change. But mostly to help heal other women who have been through similar experiences. I’m sending all my love and compassion for all people who have been sexually abused in their life, both women and men. Cause even if the statistics is higher regarding rape of women, there is a lot of cases for men too. And not to forget sexual child abuse. And again. If you have been through any sexual abuse. Seek help. It's important to start loving yourself again, fully. Without any shame and guilt. These things create a lot of trauma in our bodies, even if we thing we are strong and powerful, and that we don't need help - that was my case in the beginning. I thought I could deal with it alone. But I think most of us needs help to understand what is happening with us when someone uses your body with out our own permission. Luckily I realized that when I got older. You own yourself - only you. And only you make the choices for your own body.If you live in Sweden, I can recommend to contact Föreningen Storasyster as a woman. And 1000 Möjligheter for a man. For support.I haven't experienced any of them my self, but I was recommended Föreningen Storasyster when someone close to my family got raped recently.If you live somewhere else in the world I recommend googling something close to you <3Today I love myself again