I entered a large room with big chairs facing each other along the walls. Comfortable, I thought of Chandler and Joey's chairs... they looked very similar to theirs, except that these also had a red emergency button. Anna asked me to get seated and if I'd like a beverage. "So, they've put in a vein port and we will use that now. Before I set the needle I will first ask you to take a deep breath and then inject the syringe as you breathe out...is that ok? "Ok"  I smiled at Anna.  "Deep breath in so....and... breathe out".  The needle was in and Anna continued "I will wash through with saline first, it's just to make sure it works fine" It was the first time they used the port. "I will start the machine here to start the drip. It will take about 90 minutes this first time."  I knew all of this already from reading the leaflet and I had prepared with downloading podcasts and I'd brought a book.  "Will I feel any side effects from this..?" No, most patients don't.. some feel a little bit drowsy afterwards, that's why we recommend company the first time" Pappa sat on the chair next to me, tapping my shoulder.  Always there. Always reassuring. "I will go to let the dogs out of the car. I'll take them for a walk... I won't be long". Always there. Always helping out. The machine started beeping when the bag was empty. I pressed the call button as instructed. Anna came back and unplugged me.  Since I started the treatments I've had two nurses assigned to me. Helena and Anna. They are incredible. They care, making me feel calm and they always make me laugh so much. They make me look forward to come back. They make the big sign that says  'Oncological day-care ward' not looking so scary anymore. Fear replaced with laughter. It's such an important profession and they should have all the best work benefits. Everyone working within healthcare should be paid so much more than what they are. I shared the room with other patients, also in chairs. Also getting their treatments intravenous, most of them are there for their chemo therapy. Some sleep, some sit there when I arrive and still sit there when I leave. Some wear scarves or wigs on their heads, some don't. Some look very sick, some look like they're there for the first time...just like me. Some have company but most of them are there on their own. All of them look older than me but we all have something in common. We've all been told that we have cancer.  I came for the treatment every fortnight for a few months. I started going there on my own and after each session I would walk into the city center and treatmyself, sometimes by getting something nice in the shops, sometimes just people-watching while having a cup of cappuccino. I like that. I like melting in with the surroundings and become a somebody in the mix of luncher's, tinder dates and day-wasters. I want to waste my days like them. For a moment, I am them. My life has become so much about treatments and then the wait in between results. Waiting for a new scan, waiting for doctors giving their verdict. It's a constant anxious waiting and that needs to stop. The waiting is my life passing by. I need to learn how to live while I wait. . I have a to-do-list and one thing listed is to celebrate my 85th birthday, I intend to achieve that. Always set goals high.  A letter arrived with the hospital logo on the envelope. I knew what it was before I opened it, it was the date and time for my results.I had already gone for another full day of scans. CT scan, PET scan and a MRI. They would see every little existence of anything inside my head. I was instantly fully aware of that anxious knot in my tummy "We have news for you today, Vanessa." This can't be good.. it hasn't been good since 2017.  "There are some areas that we don't know what it is, it could be some disturbance after the radio."  I could feel how every square millimeter of that knot in my belly was about to explode into a panic attack "But we can't see any activity anywhere" What does he mean? "There is no sign of any cancer cells... I think that your bone marrow got hit so bad  because you got fast metabolism, your body was absorbing so much of the chemo.  "This is very good news Vanessa... "  Silence. I could see that the doctor was talking but I couldn't hear anything more now. It was as if my mind held its breath. Blocking out all noise but sometimes silence can seem so loud. "Vanessa?" I can remember this so clearly. I heard this and I remember this.   "Do you know what this red folder is?" I didn't.  "It's your file, information about all your treatments.. you won't need this anymore."  He demonstratively put the folder to the side.  I have been preparing to die for so long and thiss journey has been so draining. I'm so exhausted but I can't stop now. I don't know what to do now if I'm not fighting to survive. I need to learn how to live. I need to sit down and have a look around.  Look at the surroundings, have a cup of cappuccino and ask for extra chocolate sprinkled on the cream. I need to learn how to enjoy it. I am a rolling wave without the motionA glass of water longing for the oceanI am an asphalt flower breaking free but you keep stoppin' meRelease meRelease me (Oh laura – release me)