”Yes it sucks, and it will suck for some time now. Cry, keep on crying and shout all you want, and keep doing that for exactly one week…but when that one week has passed that’s when you will stand up, say "Ok. This is it. This is what I need to do now. This will be my one and only prioity, my full-time job now is to get this right, to get on track and get well again.” The Feral helped me to find the path , direct me out of the maze of panic. It was the hardest week of my life. The doctor prescribed me drugs, the kind of drugs I’d under normal circumstances would be very reluctant to take. But there are times when life hits you so hard that you need something that smooth out the sharp edges to give you a little break. I popped a few of those pills that week and they helped. A week passed and I stood up again, and I talked, talked, talked with my friends,my family and my lovely dogs, my wolf pack. I love Thursdays at 9pm , that’s when I have my weekly catch-up call with Mairead, that kind of friend I wish for everyone to have. The friend that you share everything with, the joys of lifel and the sorrows. We speak a lot about visualisation, there is uch power in taking control of your life by taking control of your mind. We can speak about this for hours and share thoughts and share youtube clips of inspiratiomal people. Because that’s the thing, my life might be on hold but there are just too many things to get back to, to see and yet to experience. I’ve never been to New York, I want to watch the season changing in Central Park, see those autumn leaves break into red, orange, brown, warm earthy colours as I make my way through those sky scrapes that makes up Manhattan. I want to get lost in Brooklyn, take the subway that is full of people going on with their busy lives. There’s a hot dog stand next to another stand where a weird lady sells even weirder hats. It’s so smelly down here in the underground.. urine, a repugnant stank of piss, but somehow it belongs there, it’s a part of that atmosphere, a part of that city pulse. I want to whistle a yellow cab. Take a tour out to the statue of liberty and day dream about where my next destination could be. Maybe Tokyo? Maybe watch those cherry trees blossom completely explode into that sparkling pink. Get amazed by all the cool trendy Japanese schoolgirls and indulge in Sushi and sake. Maybe after that I would take a trip to Italy. Oh how I love Italy.. or spain. Find comfort in the sun, have a few relaxing days.. My biggest concern would be to decide what heels to wear that evening. Get prettyfied and change my outfit three times within the hour and still end up with the old reliable red dress, the one that flows with the wind. Grab my friend's hand and walk along the beach promenade to the restaurant that we’ve checked out earlier that day. Stop for a moment and watch the sea.. It’s so blue and it’s difficult to distinguish what is the sea and what is the sky. There horizon is not even there, it’s all just melted into one. Its just ..blue and I wonder if that is my favourite colour, that Mediterranean sea blue. It’s so hot I nearly long for the winter home in Sweden, the icy cold harsh wind that bites you in the cheek, makes it all red, the snow is so compact, it makes that squaky noise each step you take.. the snow is untouched, nobody has walked there yet, it rests heavy over the pine trees, it’s so white and beautiful. It’s my home but I also have a second home. Nothing else is quite like driving down those narrow country roads of Ireland. There is no other place where you can stop at the side of the road, watch the Atlantic sea crash into those majestic cliffs on the west coast, you turn 180 degrees and meet all of those hills and if you would attempt to count, it would be at least fivehoundredandsix different shades of green. It rains, aaall the time and it hits you diagonally, from the above, from the left and from underneath all at the same time and it soaks you to the bare skin, making you shiver and makes you feel so alive. The sensation of being alive. “It’s a rare form of cancer, its so rare there is no Swedish name for it yet.. It has been slow growing but we still need to start treating you as soon as possible, you will start a ourse of chemo- and radio therapy that will run for 6 weeks. You will then have a break for 4 weeks and we will evaluate what will happen thereafter. " All those colours, that’s how it has to be done. That’s what I need to remember to visualise when the darkness takes over, when the black fog surrounds me, that awful fog where the demons run free, they're so loud and they suffocate me, making me doubt, making me think that I can’t do this. That’s when I have to visualise the colours. The colours can break and blend the black. I just need to imagine enough paint, grab enough brushes and paint enough strokes. That’s the trick.. that’s the clue how to make it out of the maze. How to keep the balance. And I think that I’ve decided. Emerald green is my favourite colour.