Is this when I die?

It’s in the middle of the night and I’m waking up with an unfamiliar tingle in my arm and my mind is going funny, nearly electrical.  Instant panic, this isn’t right, this can’t be good. The sensation intensifies and so does the panic. “PAAAAPPA!!!!” This is it, I’m thinking, ‘the moment has come. I’m about to die. Please not yet, I don’t want to die. Why does dying have to be so painful?’ The tingling is getting even worse, spreading through my body, I can no longer connect with my arm, I can’t feel it anymore as if it’s died. I sit up, I stand up, I walk across the bedroom and open the door. I can no longer feel my other arm and they move uncontrollably. I take a deep breath and scream as loud as I can “PAAAAAPPA!!” I fall to the ground as I hear my dogs barking loudly and suddenly it all turns black. Next minute I open up my eyes to find two strange men leaning over me...Well, that could not be good ..  They call my name and I don’t understand what’s happening. I turn my head and wonder why I’m on the floor. I’m laying down next to a stretcher made of steel that has wheels.. I’ve seen them a few times before, ambulances have them. I can see my father in the corner of the hall, he looks me in the eyes and falls helplessly down on his knees crying. I’ve only seen my father doing that once before, that was when he received the news that his brother had tragically passed. I knew that whatever was after happening it must have been bad. My father had heard me screaming and the dogs that normally are very calm and quiet had been going wild, he’d rushed out and found me in the hall and witnessed me falling cramping. Blood and froth coming out of my mouth. I had then completely stopped cramping. He thought I died in front of his eyes. “Vanessa can you grab my hand? “ I do as asked and one of the ambulance men helps me up. “Do you think you can walk down the stairs? If you think you can’t we will carry you down. We are going to take you to the hospital now”  I’m confused as I walk down the stairs with the support from the men. They strap me to the bed in the back of the ambulance and connect the leads for the ECG, just as many times before. They introduce themselves as they slowly drive down the road towards the hospital about 70km away. They ask me questions, wonder if I’ve had any form of seizures before. I haven’t and I ask what had happened. The nurse tells me that I had cramps and that my father had called for help. When they’d arrived I had been laying still unconscious. My dad had performed CPR on me as a desperate attempt to wake me, which also explained the pain I had in the chest. When I arrived to the hospital, a doctor and a couple of nurses met us on the driveway and I was taken for an immediate CT-scan  I was told that I’ve had an epileptic seizure and that It was common after physical brain trauma.. and I suppose that a few brain surgeries and a lot of radio qualifies as trauma.. I stayed a few days in hospital to do more scans and incase I would have any more seizures. I didn’t and I was prescribed medication to prevent epileptic seizures and was allowed home again. Since this day I’ve had about 4 or 5 seizures whereby the ambulance has been called. It takes time to find the right dosage of the medication. There are a few side effects to the epi drugs and the first one I was put on (Keppra) didn’t suit me, it can affect the thinking for some people…like in my case. I started to feel that my train of thoughts were different than before (I became very suspicious of the people around me and even more so towards companies and services) my paranoid mind started to make up its own stories of how I continuously was getting tricked and fooled. This is a known side effect to that particular drug that I was on so they changed to another medcine(lamotrigin actavis) which works and function in a different way but is just as effective, the side effects of that drug is that it often causes a rash.. but I think that is better than becoming a psycho.  Again, I had to find the right dosage which followed a couple of more fits. I’ve now been seizure free for a few months. I will most likely be on medication for the rest of my life but it could also be a case of my brain healing and the epilepsy could retract. The slightest of disturbance in the brain can cause epilepsy. Some people are born with it and some get it from some form of trauma to the head, sometimes for just one fit and in some cases it never fully goes away. It’s hard to tell in my case, at the moment I take medication every morning and I wouldn’t want to try coming off it.  It’s hard to explain how it feels to have an epi-seizure other than its absolutely horrible. The head st goes funny, there’s a mad sensation as if snakes frantically moes inside the body and all you want is for it to knock you out. When you go unconscious the body first tenses up and then the cramping begin.  If it’s a “big” seizure it will make you become unconscious, if not, it will pass either by itself or with medication that is instant-working. A seizure in itself is not dangerous, the real danger is the collapse once cramping and the risk of hitting yourself against something. The epilepsy has had a big negative impact on my life. I’m terrified of getting a seizure out in public. For a long time it limited me a lot as I didn’t want to go outside and walk on my own. Every time I had to walk my dogs I'd always had someone on the phone. I’m not allowed driving so I have to travel with public transport… I still often take anti-anxiety drugs before traveling. It’s getting easier all the time though. I’m starting to trust that the meds are working as they should.  When the dose is set properly there shouldn’t be any seizures at all and I could live a perfectly normal life. After some time seizure-free you can be allowed on the road again. I would however not put myself behind the wheel and risk causing an accent and hurt someone. If I however were to be proven seizure free for a very long time I might be able to trust that it’s not going to happen. I know physical pain, how much it can hurt and how it can even make you wanting to die. Physical pain doesn’t scare me. it’s always been just temporarily. It passes. The real pain is the fear. The fear of getting a seizure in public which would feel highly humiliating, the fear of the cancer getting worse… The fear of dying. The fear of having to leave this earth life that I love so much, the fear of getting very ill, the fear of hurting the people I care so much about, the fear of the unknown. Fear is the big struggle. Fear can be absolutely horrific. Life can be incredibly cruel and it’s a constant job for us all to find the ways to make the best of the life that we have been given. I will have to get help to learn how to live with my new life and to manage and take control over the fear. I think it’s worth considering if you have anyone in your life that you know is suffering from anxiety. It’s a very difficult thing to live with and it can sometimes require a lot of understanding and professional help. It could be something to keep in mind and perhaps help that person to seek the help that is needed. I also want to share the link below which gives information on what to do if you see someone having an epileptic seizure. Xx