Operation: Brain

Following common procedure, you meet with the surgeon  prior to your operation to discuss the procedure. "As you already know, we will operate on you tomorrow and as you also know, the tumour is quite large and it is situated in an unusual part of the brain that is very difficult to access" Göran, my surgeon, showed us where they would open up my head.  "In the field of neurosurgery, this would be considered the most difficult job to do" "I'm one of few here who has performed this before... I've done it once" Was that meant to be good.? I remember the words he said but not much else. My family has told me that my dad was with me when Göran came to visit my bedside. I just sat quiet listening, I've learnt after having a number of these difficult conversations that I normally sit quiet, Keep my cool, my reactions come afterwards. "We have been granted all the resources we requested. There wil be a team with us who's job will be to watch a monitor showing zoomed in images from a camera and navigate us as we go along" "There will also be aneasthetic doctors present..There will be a lot of people there that needs to be confident in the ongoing procedure. It's possible that situations can occur and whereby we can't continue and have to stop the operation before the tumour has been removed"  Stakes so high for something that might not even work.  He had more information; "We will be working very close to crucucial and sensitive veins that we can't touch.. we will only have about 5 millimeters space to maneuver in" I wanted  to run away.Escape all of this. Scream nooooo I'm out and call it a day..but that wasn't an option... Life or death.  Be brave. I've whispered those words to myself so many times. Be brave. "The risks are many and you need to be informed about possible detriments you may suffer" It was a long list. "It's quite possible that you'll get some weakness in the left side of your body. You might also get some short term memoryloss... it shouldnt however cause any  personality disorders. "Vision loss" "I'ts also quite common finding difficulties with the orientation in the room" I remember that I couldnt understand what he meant with the orientation comment....but it would would make sense with time, I also thought there was enough there that I actually did understand and to be honest... it was all a bit too much to comprehend to be bothered about the ins and outs of everything. I prayed all night for my life. I prayed please, please, please, don't make me a vegetable. It  was drawing nearer to time.  You're falways fasting before any surgery, it's frustrating not being allowed to eat..every inch of your body is being scrubbed from head to toe, everything has to be clinically clean with they use strong chemical soaps and rough sponges. You're told what time you'll be collected. I thanked Göran, fist bumped him just like I've done with every surgeon I've had these meetings with. Obviously you have to fist bump the true superheroes of this world! I always listen to a lot of music to channel emotions and this time were no different.. Coming up to this big day I listened to similar music that I always listen to in the gym to pump myself up. Heavy gangsta rap and Metal. The nurses showed up to roll me down to surgery, My family met up with us and walked down the long corridor with us. I gave them hugs and kisses. Told them I love them. Sent a few text messages.  The anesthetic doctor arrived, gently adjusted the mask over my face. Deep breathing. Lil' Wayne in my ear. Gone.