The tense past, present & future

It has now been exactly 537 days since they found the tumour.That means that I have survived for approximately 12, 888 hours... far beyond the predicted 48. People often say to me "I don't know how you're doing it"...We are human beings and we are made to survive and adapt. If you get the required help, it's quite possible to go through it and even to cure it. But I think people really refer to getting through it all without breaking down. I think that too is possible..even if it's hard to accept that life no longer is what it used to be. It's no longer about giving out about the alarm clock going off in the morning and it's pre-coffee o'clock, it's no longer about rushing to work and then rush to the next everyday life-task. It used to be a daily to complain about the small things... but those are the things I miss now when I don't have them anymore.  I miss the boring time consuming but necessary things.. like washing the car, late night grocery shopping at Tesco's and doing overtime in work because the schedule's been too busy all day. I miss coming home and flick through the channels while the commercial breaks are on. Letting life be about cuppa's, midtermsales and get pissed off when the chocolatebar get stuck in the vending machine...oohh that's anger in its purest form.I miss letting life pass by without having to listen to the "It could be 24-48 hours" ringing in my ear day in and day out like tinnitus. It's been a constant challenge not to fall and get stuck in depression and it's sometimes hard to snap out of negativity. I've spent some of the past 537 days just sleeping, I've spent other days being sick, feeling dizzy, I've spent some days just cuddling my dogs and I've spent many more days just thinking. Thinking so much it hurts. I think about the why. I think about the when. I think about all the if'only's. But most of all I'm thinking about the how. Where did I go wrong? They said its not hereditary. So it must be something else. It must be something I did wrong. I've thought about that so much, to the point where I've gone back to think about it again. And again. And again from another way around. I think about death. I think about life. I think about heaven, I think about hell.. is this hell? I think about god .. is there a god? I think about the world and all the pain. I think about purpose and I think whether life on earth is just a coincidence or if we all have a set destiny.  I've been knocking on deaths door a few times now. It scares me to think that it's possible that there could be nothing at all behind it. A black nothing. Having to leave everything and everyone behind for..nothing.. No, I choose to have faith in something. A light. It's difficult not to get stuck in the questions about our existence.. not to panic and get too afraid to sleep cause what if I don't wake up again? I also wonder if I lost myself in the thinking. If I lost my mind? The medical journey was and is a long bumpy, bendy road full of pot holes that keep slowing me down.. but parallel to that journey there is another one. The road back to the real world outside my bedroom. The time comes when the focus needs to shift from merely surviving to take the first shaky steps out on my own. But the air is not fresh outside, there's a smell of sadness that lingers.It's a journey of constantly keeping track on what's going on in the mind, the thoughts and the pain and anxiety that seems to have made it's nest inside of me. Miriam, if you read this.. Thank you for everything you've done. I first went with a reason that I didn't really know what it was.. but with enough anxiety for my GP to recommend therapy. I rang and I went.  I'm grieving everything that got lost and that I was ripped out of my life. I loved my busy life that was passing by in a fast and at an exciting pace. I grief what used to be my present and what used to be my dream of what my future was going to be. All that got blown away and lost in the storm. I'm thinking maybe things were meant to happen this way. Thinking about it, I was so ready for the cancer to hit me, my body was ready for that battle. My mind was ready too. I had entered into the phase of life where my past had caught up with my present. I started physical training properly but I had also started to go for counselling.  Miriam is a huge reason why I was ready and why I still have faith in myself to take on this journey.  A huge scary step.. I thought I was going to lay down on a couch and talk about something I didn't even could imagine what it would be and what I would say?  It wasn't how I imagined, no couch but a comfortable chair and I ended up going for many more hours. I learnt how to cope with stress and to unravel difficult events in the past. I learnt who I am, why I act in certain ways and what it all comes back to.. I left Sweden as a sort of an escape, I left enough miles of sea and land behind me. I wanted to see if the grass really was greener on the other side. I came to Ireland and the grass definitely was greener. I was mentally and physically ready for this. Thanks to the hours I put down in a chair with a counselor and the hours I put down training Crossfit and going to the gym. But yet it's not easy. Sometimes I get lost in the thoughts of why and in the thoughts of guilt and fear. The guilt is about all the suffering I have caused others, I can sense others sadness in the air. I feel it. And I am so sorry for it. Miriam thought me how to try to shift that thought and say "I'm so very sorry for putting you through this, if I had a choice I wouldn't ever.. But I don't. I don't have control over this one." The fear is about the death thing... I fear that the cancer will take over and finish me. I'm so scared thinking that someday people will stand by my grave and what they will say when speaking of me.. I fear that they will say "She's finally resting in peace" .No, I wouldn't have gone peacefully. I wasn't ready yet, I wasn't ready to leave this beautiful world.. Nobody should be taken away this early. I never want anyone to be able to say.. "She doesn't need to suffer anymore" because I haven't suffered. I'm going through this as comfortably I possibly could and I am so advantaged compared to many others less unfortunate. At least so far. I go through this with the best of supporters. Never to be taken for granted.I am blessed. For those reasons, I have to fight hard in any way that I can. And if I someday have to admit to myself that I'm being beaten.. I need to be able to say to myself "I did my best. I tried everything". Apart from having an incredible medical team behind me, and a state that even sent me a helicopter with a doctor and nurses to help me out of a seizure. Apart from that, To this point I've done all that I can. I saw all the specialists. I even went to a consultant in "alternative medicine" in the woods , I sought out the best personal trainer to build up strength. I went to a nutritionist.. making sure I'm eating right. I excluded all sugar, gluten, meat and anything else well known to be unhealthy. I made sure that while I was going through my intense treatments, I was giving my body food that would be easy digesting. I imagined that it would help my body to focus on absorbing the nutrients that my body needed to battle through heavy chemo, radio, healing after brain surgery and to help out my poor worn out bone marrow. I keep my mushy brain working, I studied math, played memory games. I learnt how to knit and playing a few accords on the guitar. Both something I can proudly leave behind me and say "well, at least I tried". I took a course in creative writing, I started this blog. I listen to audio books, ticking off all the classics I never took my time reading. I mind my mental state. I have to stay stable to keep up with the challenge of fighting myself through this horrible illness. I'm trying processing his with group counselling, one-to-one counselling with both a Councillor, psychologist and also with a deacon and a priest.  I meditate and spend many hours with friends, family and dogs. Everything I possibly can to keep my spirit up. I went to Ireland. I went to concerts. I went to the cabin in the woods I went to the beach to wiggle my toes. Someday I'l be gone. But before that I hope that my present now will become my past and that I fully lived through the future that I have. When my last hour has passed, I hope they will say that I fought, I was happy and that they knew that I loved staying alive. My encouragements are for all reasons.: Exercise your mind and body. The two best investments you could give yourself to give yourself the life we all deserve. Thank you: Miriam Derek & Conor Fanny My troops of cheering supporters. My warmest recomendations: Counselor: Miriam O'Neil Kiely Trainers: Personal trainer: