Wrecking balls inside my brain.

When I'd finished the 6 weeks of radio and chemo, they could still see active cancer cells on my scans. My consulting oncologist ,  Magnus, decided that I had to go on a new round of chemo with an increased strength. He scheduled the sessions so that I was to go on the chemo for 5 days, then 23 days off before the next session ... for a total of 6 sessions. They gave me cytostatic capsules (Temozolomide accord) to bring home. Prior to each session I had to go to my local health centre to get my blood and such  tested and analysed. This was to ensure that my kidneys and body was ready for the next hit. I would then go see Magnus before he'd give me the go ahead.. after just a few sessions he said that I had to take even longer breaks.Not the most optimal solution , you don't want the cancer cells to be given a chance to start multiplying again.. The problem was that my bonemarrow couldnt keep up producing white blood cells (WBCs) .. that was a worry because it meant that my immunesystem was weak.I had to give myself injections. This (Filgrastim) was to help my bonemarrow to produce the WBCs. Magnus told me that my consultant nurse Helena would come and hand me these to bring home. “Take them for 5 days and we'll check your status again”. Helena showed me how to inject them in my tummy.It helped and I could go on with the next session but the following time around the same problem happened again. Magnus said he would add two more sessions to compensate for the prolonged breaks. "I feel fine, I have'nt even gotten any cold, please let me go back on the chemo"  I begged. "You can't.. it's too risky, you need a couple of  more weeks to rest"  Magnus sounded firm. "I have the capsules at home..I will take them!" I protested when I met Helena... having a tantrum like a 5-year old. "No Vanessa! Don't do that! Your immunesystem can't take any infections now.""But I'm fine, what could be the worst thing to happen..." "Sepsis" I googled and I left the capsules In the box.. After a week or so I went back to have my blood taken for analysis again. I went to the hospital to meet with Magnus. "I have'nt seen this before, usually this type of chemo wouldn't impact the bonemarrow this much... your white blood cells keep dropping even with the boosters" It's strange how your body can be so sick while you feel fine. " We won't continue with the treatment..its too damaging" I've been sitting down listening to doctors giving me bad news so many times now. Perhaps I should be used to be hearing them by now but I'm not. I walk out and my panic attack usually starts before I even get to the car. I'm so incredibly lucky to have the best, most supportive family. Mamma, Pappa, Jonna Sonya and Julia. They always drop everything and they are there. Letting me cry over and over again. Someone will stay in my bed at night until I fall asleep. Reminding me I need to keep moving forward.Sometimes you can't seem to find the words... but in this case there's not enough words to describe how much I love them. On my next visit to the hospital they said ”We have a new strategy"  It facinates me that there's so much that can be done before they say 'It's palliative care from now on'. "We will put you on another treatment.We will give you something called Avastin” Avastin isn't cytostatic but antibodies that prevents the tumour from growing. Tumours wants to trick the body and lure arteries to nestle themselves in to the tumour. It wants them to feed the cancer cells. Tumours are very clever. “We will give you this treatment intravenous.. but we can't keep sticking you with needles, it tears your veins” I can't even guess how many times they've sticked needles in me. “We will use a veinport, it's called port-a-cath" On the one hand it was horrryfing to hear all about this but on the other hand it was an alternative. It was another option and a relief that they were'nt giving up on me "You will have surgery to insert the port"  I don't think ther's any words invented for these emotions. Something mixed between hope and despair.  “It might help”. And all those things I didn't say Wrecking balls inside my brain I will scream them loud tonight. Can you hear my voice this time?This is my fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I'm alright song. My power's turned on. Starting right now I'll be strong. I'll play my fight song (Rachel Platten - Fight song)