My biggest fear in life is to never feel fully content. To never feel completed, done, “in a state of peaceful happiness”. I’m scared I won’t ever find a place where I feel truly at home, at peace. I’m scared that when I’m 85 years old, I will still feel that it’s not right, it is not all. For the last couple of years I’ve always strived after the future, always felt “when I’m there, then I’ll be happy I’m sure” but then I get there and it’s not 100%, it is not all I was hoping for and soon enough there’s something else lurking in the future and the same mind set is back, or maybe I never lost it? I’m having big issues at living here and now, to appreciate where I am and what I’m doing today. Appreciate who I am and everything I’ve done to get here. I’m comparing myself to others “she got this, he got that” whilst myself.. I don’t know.. I know full well that I should be happy about everything I’ve done, there is so many that haven’t done even half the stuff I’ve done. I lived in Australia for 2 years where I met a boy I thought was going to be the love of my life, I learned how to surf, I met a girl who is one of my best friends today, I threw myself out of a plane, I hiked, I travelled, I laughed, I cried, I drove a 4x4 jeep on the biggest sand island in the world, I saw kangaroos, koalas and all other native animals you can imagine. I became friends with people from all over the world. I saw myself change to a better version, I grew up. Then I moved to London and started studying to become what I’ve dreamed of since I don’t even remember. I live in a house in Fulham with 3 of my girl friends. I provide for myself and I’m doing well. I mean how many can call 3 different countries miles and miles apart, for home? I’m probably living the dream according to some. Yet, there’s that feeling of not being at ease and it’s bugging me. This is what I’ve wanted for so long, yet I always find something wrong. I hate being far away from the ocean, that there’s no where to go on a sunny day but a sweaty park. I dislike how expensive it is, or more so that I don’t have more money maybe? I HATE how everything in London is about your financial status. How “not a lot” of money will classify you in a lower range. I don’t know if I want to live here, but at the same time, where else would I live? (Sweden I love in the summers, but don’t see myself live there, for now) It annoys me that I don’t feel 100% at home somewhere in the world right now, but maybe that is what happens when you move around? That you loose track of what it is that makes you feel “at home”. Deep down I know what makes me feel at home and that is a family. Whether that is a sister, a mom, a dad or boyfriend doesn’t really matter. But it needs to be someone you have that deeper connection with. If I did have that here I’m sure I would feel more at home. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, how to change? I wish I could snap my fingers and understand that here and now is what’s important, what matters. Maybe I wont ever feel 100% pleased but how I will have to learn how to live with that and still appreciate the life I was given. Life’s too short, I know that but how can I live for every day when I’m always looking so far ahead? How will I learn to seize the day or carpe diem? What is it going to take for me to feel content? A boyfriend? Kids? Marriage? A fat check at the end of every month from work? A big house on the coast? Grandkids? What if it goes on forever? I know some will think “But Hanna you’ve done so much already, you should be happy” and don’t get my wrong I REALLY am and I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world, however maybe it’s just that, that has made me feel like this. The knowing of how much more there is in the world. The knowing of how my life could’ve been. “Well go and get it then”. I’ll try, I’ll never stop trying but what if I get there and it’s still not enough because by then I’ve found out what else there is. It seems like it will go on in a circle till the day I pass. So my biggest fear in life is to never feel fully content but if not, I’m going to have to learn to live with that.