With true pain comes peace

Losing you has given me a new perspective on life. I now value my relationships and life itself in a way I didn't before. The challenges and trials I've faced have taught me to appreciate the importance of family. Even though many of you are no longer here, I carry your memories and lessons as a valuable gift. It's difficult to weigh the pros and cons of this loss, but I continue to grow and evolve. It's a natural part of life. What hurts the most is seeing you in my dreams every day, even though you never speak to me. Hearing your voice and seeing you smile again would brighten my day, even though I have plenty of videos that remind me of our moments together. It hurts too much to watch them now, but I know they're there when I'm ready. I've thought a lot about the future, my wedding day, my graduation, my first job as a nurse, my first child, and all those special moments where I won't experience your joy and pride. I think about the times when you were with my older siblings, and I take solace in the fact that they got to experience that with you. This blood bond is a part of me, and I'm proud to have been yours. Even though you're no longer here, your memory lives strongly within me. I will always love and miss you. Sometimes, I think about how my older siblings got to experience so many special moments with you, and it brings me joy even though I wish it was me. But when I close my eyes and remember Alen's graduation, I imagine how happy you would have been on my day. In that memory, it's me at the center instead of Alen. You were so moved, walking around proudly talking about him. You danced, laughed, and the love I felt through your eyes was indescribably immense. I remember feeling confused and happy, not quite knowing how to handle the immense love I was experiencing. Previously, I mentioned how I sense energies and emotions that deeply affect me. That day, love was a positive force, something I rarely experienced from her in that way. I want to clarify that my mother always showed us love and was one of the best parents ever. But her love was often intertwined with sorrow, stress, or anxiety. That day, I saw a completely different side – love combined with pride, genuine joy, and relief. It left me somewhat perplexed, like a child. I remember taking a step back, carefully observing her expressions to understand and absorb the moment. Ever since I was a child, I was attached to her and never wanted to leave her side to play with other kids. She was my safety. Now looking back, I think I wanted to be her safety because of the emotions I perceived from her. Mama, I always wanted to protect you, but I couldn't always due to my young age. She had a great dilemma for several years about how I would manage without her. I was so attached to her. She used to worry about how I'd handle life's challenges, given that I was too kind and let others push me around. I wish she were here today to see that I'm still standing strong on my own. Mama, I'm still soft and too kind, something you always worried about, but I haven't shattered. Mama, I'm living today without you and the rest of the family. You said I was the one who could keep the family together, but it was always you, Mom. After you fell ill, we lost one after another, but now I stand here entirely alone and doing well. I made it, so don't worry anymore. I'll come and visit you soon. Beloved mother.