HOW I FIXED MY BROKEN HEART / A PIECE OF MY DIARY

Jag skrev en liten engelsk krönika för ett tag sen och jag tänkte att jag likaväl hade kunnat ladda upp den här. Så here you go, a piece of my thoughts ----We all know the great love stories, Romeo and Juliet, the Nicolas Sparsk collection or the classic high school love stories. When the girl meets the boy, they fall in love, and love each other until death due them apart. That's the fantasy every teenage girl or boy have in their mind, but that's all it is, a fantasy. That’s not reality, the reality about love is that it’s work. It’s a full time job, that most people aren’t ready for in their teenage years. I’m writing this with a broken heart, a heart that looks like a plate that you’ve smashed in the ground. There’s pieces everywhere and I’m still trying to find every piece to glue it back together. Do you know why my heart is so broken? Because I fell in love with all the hopes of a teenage love that would last forever but it didn’t because I lost myself, I lost all of those pieces that made me the person I am. I was just lucky that I figured that out in time, I was juggling between two choices, settle down with what I had or chase what I really wanted. I choose the chase, the hard way. You always have to do choices in life, that’s what life is about, choices. I decided to break my own heart, I broke up with my first love. Only so that I could start to find myself, In a way I’m sorry that I did break things off, but in another way I started to find myself. You can’t love someone else if you still don’t love yourself. I needed to be me, just me.  I hate making decisions, I hate having two roads to choose between. I’ve always hated making decisions and deciding what to do. I’ve always been afraid of the future. I know why they call it ” fall in love” because you really do fall, with your head first. It will hurt as hell sometimes and sometimes its wonderful. But can you actually really fall in love with someone else if you don’t love yourself? Love is about appreciating each other and growing together as a couple, but if you haven’t grown by yourself how does that work? I’m just a teenage girl with a mind that always overthink everything, but when I lost myself in love, I stopped thinking. I tried to be the person I thought someone would love, I lost me. And as I said you shouldn’t lose yourself in love, you should fall, and it’s gonna hurt and be complicated. But if it’s right it’s worth all of it. When I fell in love, it wasn’t worth all the hurt that I felt. Because I didn’t love myself, I stil haven’t found myself. And that’s why our teenage years exist, to make misstakes, to lose ourselves in love, to learn and to live.  Because I don’t believe in that teenage love story crap anymore, because honestly it’s bullshit. You don’t know who you are until you’ve experienced all the mistakes you can possibly make. So don’t be afraid of loosing yourself sometime, because often when you loose yourself you will find a better version of yourself around the corner. Don’t expect finding the love of your life when you’re a teenager, but if you do, I’m impressed. Just don’t forget to live YOUR life, achieve your dream before you loose yourself in love forever, live a little, and do all the crazy things you want to do. Because your teenage years is all about making mistakes that you learn from. I’m still in that stage that I need to make more mistakes, we all need to find ourselves in this huge confusing world. So do you know how I fixed my broken heart? I realized that I needed myself more than anyone else, that the relationship I had was a lesson in life. It was a sign that I needed to find who I was before getting myself into anything. I learned to put my own happiness and dreams over anything, because I wasn’t ready to take care of anyone else. I was prepared to lose my own dreams, and now I have a broken heart but dreams to chase. And for everyday that goes by, my heart get a little bit more glued together, because I have a goal. A goal to fulfill all my dreams. And now I don’t chase love like I did before because of all the teenage movies that put up the unachievable dream of finding your love in high school, love will come when it comes, and when it does, I’ll decide if I’m ready for it or not. Love is like a spinning wheel, it won’t stop until you hit the break, but it’s your choice to hit the break or let the wheel keep on spinning.  As Erenst Hemingway said ” We are all broken, that’s how the light gets in”. That’s the only quote I know by heart, and it’s the quote that speaks the most to me, because in a way we are all broken, and that might be a good thing. Because it’s when you’re broken you appreciate things more and you see things in a different way. And when that grand love comes along, you will know that this is for real, and then, nothing can stop you. Because after all, I’m just a broken hearted romanic that lost hope in love, trying to find myself, and actually I’m fine with that. Because for the first time I actually feel happy to be broken, because I can see a future that I’m not afraid of. Because I’m glueing myself back together with the love for myself. And I don't care how selfish that sounds, because it's true. Learn to love yourself before you love anyone else.