#nomorefuckstogive

I have spent the best part of 2019 feeling like I'm no good. I haven't had a clear goal for my future, nor have I been chasing the next opportunity to do well. Instead, I have been focusing on my own health.I've done everything I can to feel better. I've done yoga, gone for long walks, read good books, eaten well, spent time with people I like... And yet, my mental and physical health is still a bit of a mess. I have had good days, but I've also had terrible ones. I've had stomach problems, I've had panic attacks, I've been crying for hours. All because I feel like I'm not enough as I am. In the past, I've always been striving for the next achievement, thinking that would make me feel good about myself. The problem was that I never did. However great I did, I always thought I could have done better. I blamed myself for other people's behaviour towards me, thinking that I must be the problem because I wasn't perfect. Ever since I was little, people complimented me for doing well in exams and for being a "good girl". I was never truly rewarded for being who I was, I never understood my own worth as a human being. That lead me to believe I was only a good person if I performed well. That people wouldn't like me if I didn't get good grades, or a good job, or had a good plan for the future. I still feel like such a failure at times, because I'm not where I thought I'd be right now. More importantly, I'm not as healthy as I wish I'd be right now. This difficult time has made me realise I can't go on the way I've done in the past. I can't keep thinking I'm only a good person if I perform well. I have to understand that I am enough, just as I am. That what I'm doing right now is enough. That taking care of oneself, instead of chasing perfectionism, is the best thing anyone can do for oneself. I'm done with bending over backwards for people who don't understand my worth. I'm done with thinking I'm a failure for not being perfect. I'm done with being a "good girl". I'm done with not speaking my mind in case anyone gets offended. I'm done with being sad for everything I don't have. I'm done with sacrificing myself for others.It is time for me to prioritise myself. It is time for me to do more things just for myself. It is time for me to stop giving so much shit about everybody else's opinion about me. That's right, because by now, I have no more fucks to give.