The November project 2019, part 4

Sometimes he wished that no other guys existed. The demands on how one should be felt too often too slim, too unreasonable, but everyone seemed to agree they were right and unchangeable. You weren’t allowed to be chicken, never show you were scared, never cry. The only feelings allowed were anger and happiness. You weren’t allowed to be unsure of something, or at least not let it show. Girls were for making out with, but heaven forbid you admitted you actually liked one on a deeper level. It was all so fabricated! This couldn’t be what it meant to be human, could it? Not for real? A guy, maybe. But not human.    Going against it all though, was easier said than done. If you did, you got called fag and were locked out from everything considered social belonging. He wasn’t strong enough in himself yet to handle such a thing. Even though the guys in his class and basketball team could be some real jerks sometimes, they were till his friends. He was part of the gang. One in the team. He was invited to parties, beach days, he was an honorable guy! But not honorable enough to lose everything he had if he were to go against the system. So, he mostly kept quiet. Didn’t chime in when laughs echoed. He felt that was at least a bit better than actively being a jerk. There would however come a day, when he’d really be put to the test. The 8th graders’ field day, an excursion to the Coal Hill forest where either orienteering or exploring of eco systems were on the agenda, they had made their picks beforehand. Sebastian had picked orienteering and there ended up with a girl from another class, Julia. He had never thought anything special about her before, but after a whole day of surprisingly good cooperation that gave them a third place in the end, he couldn’t get her out of his head. He really wanted to be with her again.    But how did one go about all that? This was Sweden, you couldn’t just ask someone out. Nor could you talk with a girl one on one, if she was to hear something from you, your whole gang was to hear it too, for some reason. Moreover, Julia wasn’t considered popular or at least pretty. She was a late bloomer and mostly cared about TV shows no one had heard about, animal rights, and athletics. The guys would wonder what on earth he saw in her.    In many other cases, when you had to be brave and do something you both did and did not want to do, you had to swallow your pride. In this case however, Sebastian had to build his pride up even more. Not giving a damn what the others would say. If he were to follow the stream all the time and do as the others, never actively resisting, he’d never live for real. He had been thinking about this for days, planned it, learned her schedule in order to catch her at a point when their classes ended at the same time. That point became a Wednesday, in the hall from second class to third. He was lucky. She was walking alone, as was he.    “Julia!”    She hadn’t seen him at first, being completely soaked up in checking her feeds and what she’d missed during the last hour. When she saw him, her face lit up.    “Well hello there! Sebastian! Thank you for last time, or whatever they say.”    “Oh thank you! Everything alright with you?”    “Oh sure, I’m having physics next which I hate but apart from that it’s alright. What about you?”    “Yeah I’m alright too. Hey, I was thinking about a thing, did you see there’s a circus coming to town this weekend?”     “I think I saw something about that, yeah. But it wasn’t one I had heard of before.”    “They’re called the Cirque Lumière. My uncle works for the agency that booked them, I hear they’re French speakers from all over the world. I could get us tickets for a cheaper price. They’re supposedly really good.”    “I’m sure they are, but I’m not really into circuses, hearing about how they treat animals and all.”    “Ah yeah, but that’s why I thought of you when I saw the ad– I mean when my uncle told me about them, you see, they’re an animal free circus. More focus on acrobatics, gymnastics, magic, illusions, clowns and stuff. And apparently the lighting is awesome, that’s why they’re called lumière.”    “Oh…okay! But wait, you wanna bring me there or what? Like a… date?”    “Well, um… see… it doesn’t need to be a date… unless you want to?”    Suddenly he was well aware about the sweat on his hands and the blood rushing through his entire body. And it didn’t get better when hearing his friends approaching behind him.    Julia just smiled, somewhat shyly. “My dad doesn’t want me to date yet…”    “Oh come on, who cares about that? He doesn’t need to know it’s a date, if we decide it is one. Does he think you shouldn’t have guy friends at all then or what?”    “He thinks boys only mean trouble and that I should stay away from them for as long as I can.”    “What kind of bullshit is that! Okay, I admit, the backstreet boys over here aren’t much to show off, but just the fact that I’m standing here talking to you, means that I’ve taken a step away from the way they usually act.”    “Uh-huh…?”    “I mean if you don’t wanna go because you don’t wanna go, that’s fine. But who the fuck cares about what your old man says? Just tell him you’re going with a friend. I’ll get us tickets, they’re only here for one night after all.    Julia watched him, seemed to weigh the alternatives. His gang had almost caught up with him and he turned around, only to quickly turn back again, and look into her eyes with pure hope and a bit of fear. As if he was stressed.    “Okay”, she said. “I’m in. See you around?”    “Sure.”    It was as if a rock was lifted off his shoulders. Even when Marcus threw himself at him, with the weight on those very shoulders, he felt light.    “There you are! We were just wondering where you’d gone. What was that all about?”    “Oh nothing special… your guy might have a date that’s all.”    “A date!?”    “Sebi is getting laaaaaid!”    “Shut up…”    “No but are you serious? You’re getting laid?”    “No one said anything about getting laid, we’re going to the circus that’s all.”    “The circus? Isn’t that crazy expensive?”    “Yeah, but I’ll figure that out.”    “Ohhhh okay…” said Marcus, not sounding completely convinced. “But hey that’s great! Finally our little Sebi is getting to take a dip in the wet meadow.”    Laughter echoed throughout the gang. Wet meadow was a reference to their sex ed that they had caught immediately, at this point it was an inside joke to them.    “I said shut the fuck up damnit, I don’t do this to get laid or even to make out. I just like her. If we make out that’s a bonus.”    Sebastian sounded so that the others barely knew how to react, even less how to handle it. There was a several seconds long uncomfortable silence before Erik became the one to finally say something.    “Hey man. I’m happy for you.”    “Really?”    “For sure! You got a fucking date, man. Someone wants to go out with you! How cool is that.”    The others had to quietly agree. A date was still a date, sex guaranteed or not. It was one date more than anyone else in the gang had after all. Once again, Sebastian could relax, only to seconds later realize the state of his wallet and its contents. Not enough to pay for two tickets to the circus, that was for sure. And there was no uncle who had booked the circus either, that was just something he had said to impress. How on earth would he carry this out? air acrobatics